Shock and Awe part 2: The Apocalypse Opener

Shock and Awe part 2: The Apocalypse Opener



Chat up lines don't work. That's the main problem with them.

I mean, we all know this. If there was a simple line you could just spiel out and get a girl, the community wouldn't be as big as it is.

The fact is, getting a girl isn't really about what you say. It's about what you DEMONSTRATE and what you PROJECT.

HOWEVER...

What if there WAS a chat up line that did work? What if there was a chat up line that led to an instant makeout? What then?

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER

What I am about to share with you is some potent fucking shit.

Do you understand?

Good.

When I showed this to Jeffy, he took one look at it, then nodded, and said "That's some potent fucking shit."

My point is this.

If you cannot handle doing Shock and Awe, you are not ready for this shit yet.

This is NOT a magic pill.

If you are a broken fucking value taking Gollum-like chode who wants to 'get one over' on women and life, who wants to seek petty vengeance for the myriad grudges that you nurse on a daily basis to justify the uselessness of your pathetic existence... this will not work.

How do I know this?

Because I've been that chode.

Get your inner game sorted.

I recommend the work of Eckhart Tolle.

So with no further ado, gents, here we go. I hope you're sitting comfortably.

THE BEST CHAT UP LINE I EVER HEARD

About 18 months ago I was in the smoking area of a pub on Edinburgh's Royal Mile. It's very picturesque. There's a castle and everything. Anyway, this time I'm out with just ONE girl. She's a good friend of mine, and for matters of convenience and privacy, we shall call her Susan.

So me and Susan are chatting away, and the subject wanders on to chat-up lines. I asked her what the worst chat-up line she ever heard was and she gave me some chodely horror-story of unimaginable lameness.

Then I asked her

"So... what's the best chat up line you've ever heard?"

Susan considered this for a while, and then said this:

"Ok, this one guy had a great one a while back. It worked on me."

"What do you mean, it worked on you?"

"It worked. I banged him."

"Nice. You're very ladylike."

Susan smiled politely.

"So what was it?" I asked.

THE APOCALYPSE OPENER...

"Well," she said, "it goes like this...

What she then told me made me literally choke on my beer. It was genius. I will never know who this man is, but whoever he is he deserves a prize. A big, shiny Nobel prize.

Here it is, lads:

You rock up to a chick and, in a confident, level voice you say

"Hey, how's it going."

She will say

"Fine."

You then say

"Cool. What are you doing later?"

She will say

"I'm not sure."

You then say

"Do you want to come home with me?"

Then you hold.

Hold.

HOLD....................

HOLD IT MY SON..........................

HOLD THE FUCKING LINE..................

Boom. Makeout.

And that's the Apocalypse opener. You don't 'build rapport.' You don't 'elicit values.' You don't 'kino escalate.' You don't even ask her fucking NAME. You ask if she wants to sleep with you in the THIRD SENTENCE, hold the line, and reap the whirlwind.

CIARAN, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

Nope. It is and remains the most amazingly powerful chat up line I've ever seen in my life. I realise that you're all just shaking your heads with a million problems that you can see with doing this, so let's go through this step-by-step.

DOES IT WORK?

Well, let me tell you a story.

After hearing this, I resolved to give it a go. I went out to a bar that night, and walked about the place.

Now, at this point I wasn't by any means a Jedi, but I wasn't shit. I could consistently open, I could flirt, I could get the occasional makeout. What I'm saying is that I'd gotten to a point where I could approach without that much anxiety.

Dude, I was shitting my pants. Mother of God, man. Looking at all these beautiful women, just the thought of going up to one of them and coming OUT with this shit was terrifying. I sank pint after pint of booze. I walked around some more. I drank more booze. I lurked in the corner for a while. I was still shitting my pants without a SINGLE approach when the bouncers started herding people out the door.

Fuck. I'd missed my chance.

No. No, no, no. No way. Not me. Not now. I was going to do this. If I crashed out, if I messed up, whatever - I'd take the pain. I was going to say this. Honestly, it felt like my VERY FIRST APPROACH all over again. I was really, really scared.

I walked out of the bar into the milling crowd. Fuck it. I'm going to do this. Someone. Anyone.

And there she was. Delicate, like a fairy almost. Red hair, really rich and deep red, and a quirky dress that melted my heart.

Fuck.

Fuckitty fuck fuck. We're going in.

Ok, Ciaran. Concentrate on getting the first line out. That's not so bad.

"Hey" I blurt.

"Hey." She's even prettier close up. DO IT, CIARAN. DO IT!!

"How's it going?"

"Not bad."

"What are you up to later?"

"Not sure."

DO IT MAN!! EYE OF THE TIGER!!

"Do you want to come home with me?

She looks at me. She's gauging. I've never felt attention this intense. It's like a laserbeam scorching me for any signs of incongruence. Luckily enough, she's hot, so there aren't any. The urge to say something, to break the tension is PALPABLE. I CLAMP my jaw tight shut to silence myself.

She sways backward, stunned. Then she jumps me. Physically lunges forward and puts her tongue in my mouth.

BAM.

Incidentally, there was a guy there - a very strong natural - who had been hitting on her all evening, and had got her to agree to come back to his (I found this all out later). Didn't matter. Blew him the fuck away with this ONE SENTENCE.

This girl wasn't a slut. She wasn't a freak. She was a cool, normal chick.

She was hot too. Really hot.

Nice.

TREMBLE BEFORE THE COMING APOCALYPSE

So why does this work? Is it magic?

Well actually, there's no magic here. It's all really simple, and rests on EXACTLY the reason I gave at the start of the article for why chat-up lines don't work.

It's not about what you say.

It's about what you DEMONSTRATE and what you PROJECT.

Let's go back to that sunny afternoon on Edinburgh. I'm in the smoking area, talking to Susan.

So anyway, I finish choking on my beer.

"What? He said what?"

"Do you want to come home with me."

And what did you do?

"Well, I didn't jump him straight away, but I was just really impressed that he had the balls to come out with something like that."

"Yeah. Wow, that certainly is an impressive introduction."

"Damn straight. After that all he needed to do was just maybe buy me a drink or something and I was his."

"Cool."

"Yup."

So let's look at this, straight from the horses' mouth. So to speak.

She was REALLY IMPRESSED that he had the BALLS to COME OUT with something like that.

REALLY IMPRESSED

The power of this opener is massive. It lies in the fact that it is HONEST. It is genuine to the turbo-max.

All of my 'game' is based around this principal. Be genuine, but be genuine times 1000. Don't just 'be yourself', fucking BE yourself. Be yourself to the motherfucking HILT.

Do you understand?

She will NEVER HAVE HEARD ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.

If you do this, a girl will be really impressed that you DEMONSTRATE the courage to say this. And believe me, you cannot fake it. This shit takes balls.

BALLS

I'm not going to lie to you. It is SCARY doing the Apocalypse Opener.

But that's good. That's WHY it works.

Because it is genuinely scary, it is INCREDIBLY impressive. But you need the balls to come out with it.

COME OUT WITH IT

At the same time, your delivery itself - and here's the crazy thing - is actually NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

I know. Nuts.

The truth is, the first time I said this I was SCARED. Really, really scared.

It still worked.

It's so powerful. You don't need to be amazing, and you don't need the inner game of the Fonz to attempt this. I didn't have much inner game at all when I started reeling it out.

All you need to do is NOT CRUMBLE.

That is all. Just come out with it, then don't crumble.

THE KEY TO MAKING IT WORK

The key to making it work is not how you say it, but what you do in the 30 seconds after it's left your mouth.

Before I talk specifics, let's state the single CARDINAL SIN of the Apocalypse, which is the ONLY THING that can blow you out.

NEVER BE WEIRD

That's it. Don't be weird. You have to deliver the opener deadpan. Like you are talking about the WEATHER. You are not making a BIG THING of it. You're just ASKING.

You are not MOCKING. You are not JOKING. You are not TOO SERIOUS.

It is NOT PLAYFUL however - it is REAL.

You are REALLY ASKING HER.

If she says no - you only need ONE COMEBACK.

It is this:

"Ok."

Then you strike up a 'normal' conversation about the colour of the wallpaper, or the music that's playing, or the fact that you did your laundry earlier today.

Whatever.

HOW DO I KNOW IF IT'S WORKED?

You will know because you will see two things in that girl's eyes.

Shock, motherfucker. SHOCK and AWE.

If she looks shocked, you've got her. If she looks stunned, she's yours. If she takes it in her stride, she's the coolest cucumber in the world, and you should probably marry her. extremely fast.

WAIT, CIARAN! WHAT IF IT BACKFIRES?

It never backfires as long as you don't panic.

That's right - there is only ONE THING you must NOT DO while using the Apocalypse Opener...

And that is to lose your shit like a fucking pussy.

I know. Crazy. As long as you aren't weird, or creepy, it never backfires.

But REMEMBER.

You are not trying to PERSUADE HER TO SLEEP WITH YOU.

This is so UTTERLY CRUCIAL I am going to write it in red letters.

You are not trying to PERSUADE HER TO SLEEP WITH YOU.

You are just putting the OPTION in front of her. If she says no, you say 'ok' and talk about your nephew's new pet dog. Or whatever.

If you do this in a creepy or sleazy way, you will be shot down like a blind, 96-year old German who doesn't know the war's ended, doing a strafing run on a US Destroyer-Class Battleship in a Messerschmitt Me 262.

That is to say, extremely quickly.

So DO NOT ATTEMPT to ENTICE her into sleeping with you.

This is important NOT JUST in the vibe of the line itself (where, again, it is absolutely crucial). It is important in what comes after.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T JUMP ME?

She'll only jump you, in my experience, about 30-50% of the time.

Equally, this is a MASSIVE percentage for ONE LINE.

However, the other 50-70% of the time, she will not jump you. Not for at least 6 or 7 minutes.

This is FINE. Just chill out. She will be testing you for signs of neediness but remember - all you need to do is talk about the WEATHER.

You do not need to do anything else to ATTRACT her. That phase is OVER. She will be stunned by what you said. Now all you need to do, and I cannot OVERSTRESS this, is ACT NORMAL.

This is, incidentally, the only place where it is ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE for you to buy her a drink, for three reasons:

1: It shows you are normal
2: It acts a kind of 'token wooing' to sate her girly ego
3: It shows you are normal

Ok?

Just ACT NORMAL for the love of God. Talk about anything. She will be SUPER-INTO-YOU. She just wants to know you're not a serial killer before she takes you home.

I THINK THAT IT ONLY SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA FOR DRUNK CHICKS AT CLOSING TIME

Then you're a pussy.

I've opened girls on the street with it. Successfully. They don't normally jump you, but they do find it fun, cool and engagingly forward. And sometimes they jump you.

It works brilliantly in a bar or club, but you don't need to save it to the end of the evening unless you're looking for a good night out. After a while (I'm not kidding, this really happens) it gets kind of frustrating when you want a night out with your friends and you keep getting dragged off by chicks.

No, really.

Anyway, you can do this anywhere. You can open with it at the start of the night. You can open with it at the end of the night.

Incidentally, I have never had a bad reaction from a woman when doing this. Ever. Even if you accidentally slip into sleaze, she'll just walk off, but this rarely happens.

This one hooks like a motherfucker.

The other thing is this- if she walks off in shock, do not follow her. Let her go. She'll be back in about 15 seconds. Maximum 60.

DO YOU STARE AT HER AFTER YOU ASK?

You never stare. You look. Empty your mind, young grasshopper. Read the Power Of Now. You lock eyes with her. That is all - but then again I would argue that you lock eyes with her all the time. In fact, I would argue that you lock eyes with everyone you interact with in your entire life.

Just look at her. Calm. Level. Like your question is completely normal and in context. She will break.

IF SHE SAYS 'NO' AND I JUST STICK IN THERE, WILL SHE COME AROUND?

Yes.

In fact, it is awesome when she says no... because it gives you an opportunity to demonstrate a reality stronger than cobalt steel.

Here's what you do.

If she says no, you say "ok" in the same tone of voice as if you had offered her a prawn cocktail crisp and she had said "no thank you." Then you ask her what she thought of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 or something.

Or you talk about the burger you had for breakfast or what the weather was like last tuesday or what-fucking-ever.

In 10 minutes (tops) she'll be on your face.

SHOULD I DO THIS IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS?

No.

You CANNOT do this if a girl is within earshot of her friends. If it's a club, you can do it with only a few feet of distance between her and her mates because of the loud noise.

The important thing is that she feels that it is a private exchange for EXACTLY the reason you think. If you do this in front of her mate she will look at you like you're scum and blow you out.

Amazingly, this never, ever happens, ever, if she is on her own.

Chicks.

Gotta love em.

WHAT IF I STARED AT HER BOOBS? WOULD THAT WORK?

No. Remember - this is COOL. You deliver this in the same tone as if you're asking about the weather. Not a throwaway line, mind...

Just a genuine, totally normal, direct question.

Boom, mofos.

SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GOOD FOR ONE NIGHT STANDS... BUT YOU COULDN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE OF THESE CHICKS, COULD YOU?

Of course you can. Stop asking stupid questions.

You can start a relationship off a purely sexual one night stand no problem.

As Tim once said - there's a time and a place for emotional connection.

After sex.

CAN I WAIT FOR A FEW MINUTES INTO THE CONVERSATION TO USE THE LINE?

NO.

It loses power and effectiveness rapidly the longer you wait to say it.

The power and impact of this derives from the fact that you are balls out opening with the option of sex.

You can say it later, of course - and she might not freak out. You may get a makeout, and it will increase attraction as long as you can hold your shit and cope with fallout - but if you do it later she also might just bolt.

If you're looking for an instant hook up, do this fast.

I THINK LOOKS WILL MATTER HERE. (JUST MY 2 CENTS)

Your two cents are worthless.

Dude, I'm not here to debate abstract concepts of female attraction and how they relate to looks.

I'm telling you that this works regardless of what you look like, because that is what I have seen, over and over again, with my own eyes.

Quasimodo could pull this off if he had big enough balls.

I don't care if you believe me. This works. I know because I've done it, I've seen others do it.

At no point have looks ever been even an incidental factor in the success of this line.

I have consistently pulled model hot chicks with this while looking like a tramp.

Anyone who thinks looks matter... even in the slightest... when it comes to being good with girls, is a fucking pussy ass chode. If you think differently, you are a chode, and your opinion is irrelevant.

Now sit in the corner, and think about what you've done.

FAIR ENOUGH, LOOKS DON'T MATTER. BUT I'M STILL STRUGGLING WITH THE BELIEF THAT ANY SOBER GIRL WOULD FUCK A GUY ON THE SAME NIGHT SHE MEETS HIM.

Hahahahaha! Oh! AHAHAHA! OOOOOOH!

*pants*

OOOOOOOOHOHOHOHO!

AHAHAHAHA!

Ahahahaha.

Haha.

Hee.

Hoo.

Hnnnnnnnnng.

They will dude. Your beliefs are irrelevant. They will.

Oh yes.

They will.

GROUP APOCALYPSE

Rock up to two chicks and say exactly the same thing, with this interesting twist:

"Hey, how's it going."

They will say

"Fine."

You then say

"Cool. What are you doing later?"

They will say

"I'm not sure."

You then say

"What are the chances of you two coming back to mine for a threesome?"

Then you hold.

Hold.

HOLD....................

HOLD IT MY SON..........................

HOLD THE FUCKING LINE..................

Boom.

That 'Boom' incidentally, is the heart of the S+A system.

It's where you see it in a girl's eyes. Shock, and awe.

It is the most rewarding thing you'll ever see after years in the wasteland being ignored by women. Most men go their whole lives and never see it. It's amazing. After you've seen it a few times it changes you, changes your whole outlook on life. It's like something connects, deep inside you. Some long-lost circuit. After I'd done this a couple of times my whole voice changed, became more resonant. It was awesome.

So that, my friends, is the Apocalypse Opener. The only chat-up line I ever found that actually works. I've spoken about it at length, because I want to hammer home one point.

It works. It's not THAT hard to do. You DO NOT NEED to be amazing at this to pull this off. If you can blurt it out and hold your nerve, you can do this.

Now get out there, and nail this shit to the ground.

'Jealous girlfriend' my hairy white ass.

Peace out

Ciaran